.1. Radiohead invent new music format: After singlehandedly inventing 'the internet' in 2007, wrongheaded overachievers and erstwhile pointlessly awkward bastards Radiohead will in 2008 release their next album on a brand new format they've been developng for the past two years called 'tape casette'. Details are sketchy, but early indications are that these 'tape casettes' will weigh 20 pounds each and resemble the head of Henry Kissinger. Those crazy Radio boys are confident they can eventually mass manufacture something called a 'tape casette' 'player' on which to 'play' these 'tape casettes'. Said Thom Yorke: "I'm all over the muvvafugger."
.2. All Music Will Be 'Quite Good': Seeing as Music was worse in 2007 than at any time since pre-Strokes 2000 or The Eighties, and has produced a worryingly high number of bands - Hadouken!, The Wombats - rated in the Guiness Book Of Hit Records as 'Possesing Terrible Brian Killing Powers', I summoned Music to the heavily fortified, Jonestown-style Electric Roulette compound for 'a little chat'...
So I was all like: "Yo, Music. Sit your ass down, and listen up. One year ago you were sat opposite me in this room, jus' like you are now, and you laid a whole buncha candycane, suger-pie jive on me 'bout how 2007 was gonna be a vintage year. Vintage. '1956, 1967, 1977, 2007." That's what you said. But guess what. 2007 stunk up the place like a malfunctioning skunk. And you're talking to a guy who remembers the woeful heap of garbage you came up with back in 2000. Oh, what, 2000 wasn't that bad? Two words for ya buddy: Papa. Roach. But now, after 2007, shit, I'd take a 2000 in a New York Minute. 2000 was Disneyland compared to 2007. I mean, Remi Nicole : are you kiddin' me?" So Music made me a promise that all Music in 2008 would be at least 'quite good', which I thought was fair.
.3. Hit Records-A-Mundo: Industry 'insiders' are already predicting that 2008's hottest chart trend will be the incedental music from 80s and 90s US Sitcoms, with Bob James's Fender Rhodes-tastic 'Taxi' score, the bar-piano jingles from 'Cheers' and The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air's pop-rap instrumentals leading the pack. Personally I like the slap-bass from Seinfeld. Composed by Jonathan Wolff. That's right.
.4. Mole People: When you're not 'getting down' to the slap-bass stylings of Seinfeld composer Jonathan Wolff, 2008 is gonna be all about The Mole People. You know The Mole People, right? You don't? Uh, they're hideous human-sized moles who walk on their hind legs...they've lived in the earth's core for billions of years...call us 'Surface Crawlers'...developed an entire mole civilisation down there which existed in in blisfully ignorant harmony with us until some kid in Florida dug a really big hole at the beach one day and accidently stumbled across it sparking a Mole People / Surface Crawlers diplomatic 'incident' which has now been resolved due to the efforts of Connie Rice and Grand Chief Marshall Xtishiik Taai Of The Vsritsh Taai Northern Mole Armies...organised last Summers LiveDirt concerts with Bono and Bob Geldof to raise awareness about the ever decreasing supplies of soil and gravel and stuff that Mole People need to claw away at with their massive spade-like hands in order to survive...no? Nothing? Anyway, Mole People. Look out for 'em in 2008, they're gonna be huge. They sorta sound like The Hoosiers, but with more relentless, thunderous banging on ancient tom-tom like Xdrivsnik Mole 'Drums Of War' and 'singing' in a 'language' consisting of brutal, gutteral grunts and piercing shrieks which are at best utterly incomprehensible to the human brain and at worst capable of inducing in human listeners violent bouts of vomiting, nose bleeds and 'fitting' which can last for up to two weeks after the performance, which will itself - on average - have lasted three weeks, with short breaks taken for clawing at dirt and rock with their massive spade like hands.
.5. Mojo Magazine 'Digs' John Lennon: Having finally written literally everything there is to be written about The Beatles, listed their 400 + songs in every possible mathmatical combination, twice, given away free CDs featuring Beatles covers by every single artist in the entire world who isn't The Beatles and printed every photograph ever taken of The Beatles, of everybody they ever met, of everybody they never met, of people who had just heard of them, of people who have never heard of them, of everything they ever sat on or maybe saw one time, the word on the steet is that Mojo Magazine's efforts to satisfy their readership's unquenchable thirst for Fabsploitation will in 2008 reach it's inevitable conclusion when they exhume the body of John Lennon, reanimate his corpse and interview Zombie Lennon for the year's biggest cover story. Paul McCartney is expected to make a statement shortly afterwards about how actually he had the idea of being zombified 'first'.
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