The Paul Fuzz E-Z Do-It-Yourself Gig Review There was a time (late sixties-mid /late seventies) when rock music journalism was taken very seriously. This is because journalists like Greil Marcus & Lester Bangs took rock music seriously, and wrote about it with the intelligence & respect it deserves, whilst developing, experimenting & grappling with a form of free-wheeling post-beat literature which they hoped would reflect the innovation, vitality, energy and newness of the subject about which they were writing. Bangs in particular was determined to re-shape the restless speed freak prose of Kerouac et al into a meaningful way of writing about The Stooges. Reviews could be 20 pages, they could be a paragraph. They could barely mention the LP they were ostensibly meant to be about, or they could be intricate, detailed song by song dissections. Sadly, Bang's legacy is almost nowhere to be seen. Rock journalism has become formulaic, indistinct from writing about movies or books, & generally saying nothing in it's form or tone about it's subject matter. I was reading the live music reviews in Sandman magazine yesterday and was utterly depressed; every review was around 400 words, there were no 'think pieces,' every review has a basic three act structure & every review was incredibly bland...every review was exactly the same. And suddenly it dawned on me: why are all these kids bustin' their humps churning out slight variations on a theme, when all they need is a simple tick-box gig review template that they can complete and submit for every review? AND HERE IT IS!!!

THE PAUL FUZZ E-Z DIY GIG REVIEW: CIRCLE THE RELEVENT OPTION AND E-MAIL TO THE NME FOR INSTANT SUPER COOL ROCK JOURNO STATUS! LITERALLY ANYONE CAN DO IT!!

I arrived at (insert venue)
(a) wearing a hat
(b) on camel
(c) really drunk, man, like, I’m a bad ass rock journalist, I could be in a band if I wanted but I'm TOO CRAZY
(d) a bit late.

The first band were called:
(a) The Sheffields (from Croydon)
(b) !HEY, THOSE ARE MY SHOES!
(c) Hitler’s Reanimated Brain
(d) Definitely Indie: Classic Indie Covers inc. Oasis & Blink 182.

And they played a song called:
(a) That Tramp Who Sits Outside The Job Centre Plus In Town’s A Right Smelly Tramp
(b) Panic! At Clarks
(c) Hitlers Reanimated Brain Vs Platypus Man
(d) Wonderwall.

And I thought they were:
(a) whatever current NME editorial policy says they are
(b) not as good as my mate’s band The Retarded Snakes, check out retardedsnakes.myspace
(c) a bit like The Beatles
(d) fat.

Then I had to go home because I:
(a) was forcibly removed from the premises following a pepper spray related ‘incident’
(b) had to pick my Mum up from her Pilates class
(c) was actually trying to find a Starbucks & had wandered into the wrong place
(d) took a good, long hard look at my life & realised that hangin’ round rock music venues writing about rock music is sort of a waste of everybody’s time, specifically mine. If you wanna find out about a band go check out their myspace whydoncha.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'RE A ROCK JOURNALIST!  ¶ 12:34 PM